Deliberately looking for love

I came back from China, in broken pieces scattered on a serpentine path and without the slightest idea of how and where to start reconstructing myself. I have been away for the past 10 years and I was always on a journey filled with struggles, derived from my attempts to find a purpose in life, a meaning to exist, a place to call home, a man to call my lover and a career that I would find exciting and rewarding.

Needless to say, I have not managed to find any of that and the troubles that ate at me daily, forced me to flee inumerable times from cities, countries, jobs, relationships.

The only constant in my life is that I often feel lost, lonely and without a sense of belonging. The tendency, so far, has been to fill the void with my insatiable desire to find love and a man that can love me so much it hurts. I never experienced intense love and at the same time, healthy and uplifting. The more I couldn’t have it, the more I longed for it and created a whole fantasy of love inside my head. The reason for that might be that I am an incurable romantic. Ever since I was a teenager I felt like part of my fulfillment and my happiness was a man, another human being to make me whole.

I idealized the notion of love to such an extent that I almost served myself on a silver platter to numerous men that only intended to use me. I was constantly dreaming about longing for someone, for anyone that could make me feel awe, immense admiration and absolute, fucking, intense love.

After my 5 years relationship, the loss of love, no matter how much of a routine or just a comfortable prison it had become towards the end, I returned to my beloved home country, Romania.

Instead of focusing on healing and self-development, I denied my pain, I externalized my thoughts of failing in every single domain of my life and unconsciously, I decided that I am not worth being loved and treated with respect by men.

So, guess what? During the pandemic, I went for the easiest and fastest way to meet guys or “to have a chance at love” and that happened to be Tinder.

Tinder was like looking for the needle in a haystack, looking for a decent guy that matches me,that can give me that unconditional love and care I was yearning for, and who could ,at the same time, enjoy the same things I do: reading, art, exploring off the beaten track places, mystery, deep emotions…And I was kind of aware that I would have to sort through so many people that don’t even come close to what I really wanted, but still, I kept going and I allowed myself to be disrespected, humilliated, dominated…as if I was punishing myself for being a failure, for not being good enough, for not deserving to be loved.

During the first few months of 2021, I was marked by a painful duality, the naive desire that I could find someone to treat me right and care about me on Tinder, and the burning tendency to swallow every bit of rubbish that came my way, to self-flagellate by allowing men to treat me worse than I deserved. It all happend because I was in transition and because my suffering was clogged deep inside and on the surface I was, and to be honest, I still am, numb and frozen. I am still at the self-discovery stage and how erroneous it was to think that fulfillment comes with a partner that supports you and helps you develop.

The only thing that I have learnt is that when you are deliberately and desperately searching for love, you won’t find it.

Inner peace and happiness do not depend on a romantic partner.

I am glad I got to the stage of saying no, of stopping my desperate searches and my exhausting, repetive dates.

I had all these ideas in my mind about what I want and I met guys who were just selfish and in it for their own pleasure. They were exactly the accumulation of all the things I despised. They weren’t capable of giving residues of care, respect and kindness or of even being grateful for receiving. I do not blame them because I was attracting exactly what I thought I deserved, men for whom I was never enough, because I wasn’t enough for myself.

How did the dating stories go?

I met a few guys that were decent, and kind of compatible in terms of personality and values, but I didn’t really feel physically attracted to them.

On the other side, I encountered a few handsome men, whose behaviours, arrogance, selfishness and past traumas warned of difficulties and screamed “Stay way”. Did I listen to my intuition? Did I protect myself and love myself enough to refuse everything I didn’t really need or want? No, I kept walking on the path of longing, of painful, superficial, empty and aggressive sex on floors covered in wine, cigarettes and bites.

There was “The Viking”. I went up to him in a teahouse and started a conversation. I was superficially attracted to his looks. However, once I realised he sweats too much in bed and I can’t handle that smell and that behind his image of a strong, muscular guy there is negligence and a soft belly I started liking him less. Those things together with the fact that he was younger than me and sexually inexperienced, completely annihilated my shallow emotions. I led him on, got him to be into me, just to realise that he can’t satisfy me in bed and that he is not sophisticated enough in his way of being and in his way of expressing himself. His jokes about vomit, shit and boogers disgusted me.

There was Mihai, the 45 years old guy, good looking, kind of spiritual, but too sexually-focused, and with a huge package from his past. He was the way I used to see myself, smart, curious, with adventure in his blood, sexually-open to new experiences and not too fond of monogamy. But the fact that he was way too similar to myself challenged me and made me ask myself how far I’d be willing to go. It felt like it’s all about sex and sensual pleasure with him, nothing about emotions, empathy and affection. The little, vulnerable girl inside of myself wanted to be showered with care and undivided attention.

There was Razvan, too short and not consistent enough when interacting with me and way too humorous for my taste. Nothing was a normal conversation about deep, philosophical subjects, and all was about trivial shit and bad jokes memorised from the internet. He was smart enough, but in order to make up for his height he pretended to be too self-confident and took evertything as a joke.

There was Siri, the bistro guy, a blonde hottie suffering from exhaustion, a gambling addiction and a severe depression wrapped up in wit and bursts of maniacal energy. Deep inside, he is an emotionally sensitive guy who has been burnt too many times and wants to present himself as a tough guy in order to protect himself. He made it clear from the beginning that we are too different and we won’t be more than fuck buddies. Due to the fact that it was kind of a challenge for me, I started for an instant to think and fantasize about wanting more from him, but he was absolutely right, a potential relationship would have been disastrous. It became a sort of routine to meet biweekly for sex, even though the sex wasn’t even great or satisfying. He started telling me stuff about his interactions with other women, and when I started doing the same, I felt he doesn’t want to hear that. Wtf?

There was Cristian, a kind of a smart guy, but too selfish and with out of this world expectations from a woman. He boasted he is great with his communication skills, but he was awful at seeing things from another’s perspective and everytime I’d say something that wasn’t going down well with his perspective, his blood would start to boil and he’d start shouting. He was selfish in sex and too cold when out in society together.

Meeting all these men and dealing with all their shit, with their past baggage and expectations, all their self-focus made me long for an idealized past.

And then I realized that I have to stop searching and that I have to focus on myself and end this downfall of disappointments, of being used and abused and of making compromises just to feel less lonely.

From now on, it’s all going to be about me, about self-love and improvement. If anything else comes up on this path, I will be open for it, but I will not make it my purpose in life any longer. It’s time to heal!

Lavish, trainspotting party

In the penthouse of illusions

everyone gorges on delusions.

Lost to reality,

numb, uncapable of inquiry

high on a cup of tea,

in love with hemp

indulging on snow,

everybody at this party

gets kicks out of blows.

If it’s extreme

with really tight denim

If it’s shallow

with tinges of hollow

If it’s bitchy

and a tiny bit witchy

If it draws blood

and mixes it with mud

they laugh, they scream, they dream.

They go along with the scheme

a cheap and shabby trainspotting scene.

They feed their brains with more gin,

discard the board games.

They just drink and grin,

they infuse their bodies to the beam

with liquor, drugs and toxic fumes.

The flowers that could be in bloom

have become just that….mean.

Everybody at this lavish party

thinks is cool and a smarty,

but they are just petty and dirty.

Overindulging in trifling banter,

full of rancour

pretend and try to impress,

on the rhythms of dance,

themselves and each other.

And them being flirty….

they are just thirsty

for all the feelings they have lost

when all the simple things in life they tossed.

Unbearably loud and absolutely meaningless

those pop songs, those repetitive house tunes

top off this lavish, tedious party.

And they’ll all be the same

when they turn forty.

Down on Earth

Down on Lonely Avenue

I tripped

On a hell of a shell

And I fell

Me, an urban hippie

My floral gown, ripped…

Down in the void

A misfit, a rugged bearded man

Escaping, condemning society, materialism

Created his den

An onion, maybe ten

Layers and layers of Zen

Down on Lonely Avenue

My bloody knees

I lost my keys!

I might even have a kidney disease

Please… freeze, or maybe sneeze

To be accident-prone used to be fun

Like a pun

Now, it’s just a bull run.

Down in the void

I try to hold my own

Away from it all

At times, a Buddha in my soul

Seldom, as mad as Sigmund Freud

It’s quiet and free

under this Banyan tree

It’s lonely

only me and the green tea.

Down on Lonely Avenue

I crawl on concrete

I almost lost my wit

Everyone’s laughing at my outfit

My pain, my care

I wanted to transmit

Yet… the masses only perceive

that my cardigan is vintage and double- knit

Down in the void

The retired fellow

On a pension scheme

Of one and a half marshmallow

Banished himself and his cello

to this world of mellow

down bellow.

He renounced the sun

and all of its yellow.

Down on Lonely Avenue

The cruel with all their expensive fuel

Invaded the street

Their feet clad in meat

They bargain and tweet

I admit my defeat

Descend in the void

Oh, wonder!

Who is this other humanoid?

Of women and doppelgängers

Woman

angelic, but

daring. Complex and

pragmatic. Clever and dreamy.

A being, to respect and whorship

never static, a manufacturer of zeal

Yet, subdued, forgotten, broken, hurt!

Your fiery nature extinguished

by a culture of scarcity

by expectations

by: I ought to

I should, I have to

I need to, I must, I could,

by: You had better, You might want to

check your sanity, lose a little weight, become a mother

be more curvy, have a girl, then a boy, a hybrid if need be

cook like a chef, fuck like a pornstar, have a perfect family

become famous, look incredible, have the ideal job

hike and give speeches, be sexy and assertive

hit the gym 24/7, clean the house, do yoga

be diplomatic and sensitive, get a boob job

volunteer, write a book, get fuller lips

be self-confident, be a natural

but be perfect, bitch!

don’t try too hard, though

be yourself

forge dopplegangers.

You’re never enough

and you can never be

in this society!

A storm’s charm

storm-windmills

Through the storm in our hearts

Through the veil in our minds

Through the blindness in our eyes

A body of storm cries.

Fearful, yet fascinated

Isolated, yet captivated

Contemplating,

Pulsating

With the rage, awaited.

 

 

Through the blinding, scathing winds

Through the loud and gusty grinds

Through the startling, instant thunders

A soul, tormented

Becomes contented.

See the lightnings penetrating

The world, outside!

Safe and sound in the shelter

Inside, a wise elder

Is and flees from, concurrently

A thunderstorm.

 

The panic wave

 

Hear, hear

The king of panic and fear!

it’s Monday

or Sunday

or maybe Friday

the days have departed

a mighty routine started

hours and hours,

and weeks,

a month of bacteria

no cafeteria

a deserted city

there isn’t even a kitty

a bleak soul,

Disinfect each and every bowl

breathe in, breathe out

the virus outside!

This auspicious year

has spread only fear!

Hear, hear

only time can heal.

The elusive Chronos…

he, alone, knows

how itchy is the nose.

The mask speaks

the skin’s so dry

bleach, wash, sanitize

don’t forget your eyes!

Did you order pies?

you better have some spies

if there is fever

you become a receiver.

The apocalypse, sci-fi

ghost towns, the future

Like in the movies

It’s almost quarantine

except it really is…

in Wuhan.

There’s no one around

no peace of mind to be found

Tell me, seer

all these folks

with all their jokes

were they to eat an iris

would it kill the coronavirus?

The crib of desires

 

From the moon inside your eyes

Grant me favors!

You, enchantress, with your vibes

Feed me,

Need me,

Lead me!

From the atman of the ancient,

Wise and omniscient

Tree of life,

Roots of power,

Rife…

Flood my being

Drain me whole

Shatter dreams

And tear my hopes

Of futile existence,

Of perishable resistance.

Let me sip the flavors

Escape my role of slaver!

Praised divinity,

Allow me to slumber

In the crib of desires

Allow me to savor

The creation of the saver,

Ayahuasca in the woods

Banish this world’s falsehoods

Crush the incessant routine!

From the war of jungles deep

Fashion this grey, tedious scene

Into magic green!

Bring about the fantasy, the mystery

Free me from the shackles of vanity

Stir the foreseen

The sanity, the profanity

We summon the sacred

To wonder as fated

In a maze of visions painted!

Horror Story

 

Once upon a time,

There was a gory, hoary dime

With a scary costume,

Promising doom,

A Halloween creature,

In a monochrome feature.

Living in a chocolate ball

Too frightened to fall.

The dime and his shawl

Were playing a role!

Sad and alone,

All they wished for…

Was  a doll!

To whisper some eerie tunes

and climb on some bleary dunes.

The dime and his friends,

All Halloween threads

Special,

with a hint of peculiar,

Were crawling in the sewer

Scheming to murder

The prehistoric hotelier

with his own mortar!

It’s all too familiar!

It’s all getting clearer!

A living dime, some rags and a killer

It’s a Halloween story thriller!

Linger

 

Words, swords, crowds

Laugh together!

And they mingle.

Drink hot coco

Sniff the roses.

They stain the porcelain cups.

Dive deep in lakes of tea

Emerge spotless.

The journey continues,

This mixture of paraphernalia

Slides down the left ear

Of a grumpy, white cat.

It’s ticklish, it makes me giggle!

Whispered the cat!

As sleepy as I ever was

Just let me linger.

Take your flight!

But it is too late,

A cultural revolution enthralled

This dusty room, this lazy cat.

Let us erase Shakespeare!

Let us forget Keats!

The fate of art is to linger!

A futuristic, robotic world

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The advance of technology and the development of robots is a fact in nowadays world. Now, the question is: How far will these advances go and how far will humans go to revolutionize the workplace and productivity in order to save money? Will robots come to replace humans in their jobs?

Will they go as far as creating robots that will be capable of doing everything a human being can? Will we live in a world where robots and humans cohabit? Will people go as far as producing robots that are capable of feeling and thinking on their own? Will they go as far as engineering robots that can become our sexual partners? Will they go as far as starting to create hybrids, beings that are half human and half robot? Will we become beings that boost our own physical capacities by using machine parts?

Robots and sci-fi worlds make up the plot of many books and movies. The most recent Tv series I watched offers a lot of variation on the theme of futuristic, robotic worlds.

‘Love, Death and Robots’ is an extremely creative one season series. It is composed of 18 episodes, with each episode lasting between 10 and 15 minutes long. Thus, it is easy to watch and fast to finish, perfect for a whole afternoon or evening binge. I found ‘Love, Death and Robots’ captivating due to its amazing vibrant visual style. Each episode explores a different story, so in this sense the episodes do not rely on each other. They could be described as a series of unconnected, short films that fit into the same overall theme. However, each episode is constructed on the foundation of a future world in which robots, technological advancements and machines are the new normality of reality.

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The visual aspect of this fantastic, sci-fi style animation series is quite exquisite and worth to be observed and internalized by itself . The variety of episodes takes the viewer on a journey through 18 distinct, science fiction settings. Some episodes remind us of animes, others have a feel of realistic movies suddenly turned into dream-like atmospheres, full of vibrant colours. Others take us by surprise by coming on as cartoons for kids. And still, others borrow the overall visual effects of movies about space.

Love, Death and Robots. What are the narratives?

Expect to see a genetically mutated creature with a removable, computer-like brain in a fighting pit;  werewolves employed by the army; robots inhabiting an Earth where humans have gone extinct;  women transformed into robots to act as sexual fetishes; a world invaded by giant spider machines and so much more. Overall, everything is quite fluid and somehow it manufactures a vibe that the world is aactually heading towards one of the visions presented in the series, if not towards a mixture of them all. This miniseries is challenging us to envision planet Earth hundreds or thousand of years from now.