Ashes, ashes…

Note to self: The more I age, the more I feel lost and unequipped to live in the world. When I was a kid I ran around and chased after butterflies. I used to be idealistic and I think that is what was exceptionally beautiful about myself and about the imaginary world in which I have lived for a considerable period of time.

The universe that I have been inhabiting for the past 5 years has completely vanished: a strong relationship, that in my mind was a future marriage, a possible career start, a country of my choice for settling down. All of a sudden, I found myself without a relationship, in a country I wanted to escape from and with no career. Where am I now? In my home country, Romania, a place I keep coming back to as a refuge, but maybe I should start considering it as part of the solution and as a possible key to moving on. I am lonely and alone because my spirit has been murdered. My inner child has forgotten how to feel happiness, enthusiasm, bursts of energy and passion. I feel vulnerable, dependent, immature, malfunctioning, unequiped to live in a world of adults, in a society that demands only reasonable acts and logical, smart decisions….In the past, I made choices by following my heart and I was deceived. I chose to bounce from domain to domain in my career and from study to study. It was a rewarding and an intellectually challenging experience, but one that delayed or entirely interfered with the evolution of my career. And while I pour my heart out as in a personal diary, I am trying to take a baby step to heal, because I am hurt.

I am 30 years old and up until this moment I felt like I have nothing, no job, no career, no relationship, no material possessions, no clue about my future path. I am still a child who doesn’t know, where and when, her most valuable posession, her spirit, has been lost…and more importantly I don’t know how to listen to myself, how to recover from the pile of ashes I have become.

As the nursery song ‘Ring around the rosie’ might actually come from the terrible period of the Black Death in London in 1665, I also feel like me and all my possible selves, might all fall down. Apparently, this soft-sounding nursery song should calm babies and put them to sleep. On the surface, I have a shred of hope or belief that I might fall asleep peacefully when listening to ‘Ring around the rosie’, but deep down, the dark undertones of the song comfort my extinguished soul…I see myself in the ashes, in the darkness, in the fog, reaching out for other miserable souls…misery loves company, after all.

22 thoughts on “Ashes, ashes…

    • Thank you for your lovely words. I do think that every single person has a role in this world, however minor, and important knowledge to share with others. Sometimes I do not live up to my expectations, thus I am my own merciless judge and executioner.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sun Hesper Jansen says:

    You are indeed in good company here; thinking people are necessarily miserable. For me to say to you “I’ve been there” isn’t precise enough; for me, There is Here on an almost daily basis. All I will say is: keep writing. Writing is an ever-developing sketch of who you are, and your unique adaptations to this life, and what you have to offer the world.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for your insightful message. It helps to know that someone else is experiencing moments of confusion and loss, not because I am selfish as it might have sounded in my last sentence, but because I know that there are other people questioning their life path.For me life is a constant process of learning. Knowledge and discovery invite confusion at their table as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. KK says:

    When we fail, it is said that God might have some better plan for us. Don’t lose hope. Belief in the self is paramount. Remember every cloud has a silver lining.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I read your post with sadness. Have you buried the child of you under ashes? It is there, believe me. The child wants to dance and laugh with the adult.
    You used to let your heart lead. Always keep that but add your brain. Let them work together.

    I have visited Romania once and remember the hills best, with wild
    Meadows. If they still are there, go and sit and dream and write a
    Piece of all the beauty you saw.

    You will find your way, seeming failures could be a pointer too.

    Miriam

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Many times we become too hard on ourselves when we are not where we wanted to be at a given point in time. I relate to this post, lost so much not to long ago and I’m still on my journey to recovery. I discovered that living is in between worrying and anxiety a place called the present moment and I started following that path. Keep the faith, you can always turn things around. Stay safe

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have a 30-year-old son. I don’t think it is too unusual that you are still trying to find your way. Think of all that your experiences have taught you! Things will be a bit easier after the pandemic. Try to find joy in life and be ready to seize opportunities when they come along. All the best! ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    • Greetings from Romania. Lovely to hear from someone in Scotland. I miss the country so much. I went to university in Aberdeen. Living in the moment is the best way of living, but sometimes I get distracted by the possibilities of what it could have been. I am considering returning to Scotland or maybe going to Ireland in the future. I miss that rugged, coastal beauty and the connection with nature, the rough wind, the way the soul feels free and at the same time more alive than ever.

      Liked by 1 person

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